Sometimes happiness is in closing doors and seeing if anybody cares enough to open it. Im there. This time I closed the door. Ive never done this before. Cos normally im always the doormat. I always want to please a certain few so much I pretty much give up my dignity. Dignity is such a funny word to me ... ive never felt like i had it.. but I want to try it. I want to be take control of situations and say how hurt i am .. instead of never keeping my dignity and always obliging to the other.
All i ever wanted is love. Dont have the lover sort of love. Cos im too fat for my husband to take interest in me. He just "bares with me". He shouldnt have to ... if his heart and soul is in my physical aspect. So with whatever little dignity i have i messaged him i will become 55kgs then if he interested we can work it out .. or not.
I feel liberated to fight for new found small dignity. I wish he understands i want to be treated as a lover like he had promised me. I know he may not want me ever. That is his choice. Like how he chose his friends over me.
I want peace and happiness. Clearly my husband finds me too disgusting to provide me my wants. Sometimes its the simplest things that are the hardest to find ... or I can still choose to be happy. Difficult world ...
