When men promise ...

love continuum

love is what makes the world go round ... its so strange that ive said things like my love for you will never lessen .. and it just continues to be ... why is there unconditional love ... it only hurts ... i need to learn to be more selfish ... selfish people know and get what they want ... unlike me- doormat. im not sure why i dont have any wants of my own .... i think im super simple .. im not fussy .. im adjustable .. however people like me just dont get their one wish fulfilled ...

Escapeology

So iIhave this not so new obsession iIguess- death.. Doesn't perturb me.. It's a new beginning in my head.. That's what excites me It's like you spend hours and hours on a piece of art work.. Then ihave this moment when I overdo it and then it cannot be salvaged... It's been a waste of time almost So yeah.. I want to feel as a child.. I've grown too much to go back to experience the butterflies in the stomach.. For me it was always like a cold fire at the bottom of my stomach.. I want to go back to hyperventilating over seeing someone.. I want to feel puppy love.. It hurts that I've grown too much.. It hurts that I'm no one's priority.. I am on my own... I only think someone worse than me is he who didn't even have the opportunity to feel whatever iIfelt and constantly reminisce about... I want to give my life for something that'll last forever.. I will give love.. To those who've shunned me.. Oh you don't even know you are so dear.. I'm finally back to me... I never realized iwas actually beautiful.. To go ahead and still wish to connect with those who have scarred me... I can now understand how special I am.. Cos I've been surrounded with so much negativity.. I'm proud ican still hold the torch light high up.. Whether or not others acknowledge.. I know IL be there for you all.. It's just my heart.. But God's grace

that point in time

Gone are the days i unfriended friends(on facebook) just to teach them a lesson about keeping in touch .. cos frankly speaking when they did realise i wasnt on their friend's list .. theyd jus PM me sayin dun be a prick. N in return id be like .. you know what if you want me to add u back why dun you tell me whats goin on in your life like actual "friends" do .. what the point in being another number on your fb .. when you dont care. So called friends didnt bother to respond. Kept seeing their fb request to be my friend everyday. Mind you i have a handful of friends .. the number literally cudnt cross 10 people .. n im puttin up a drama for one o these 10 ppl .. It doesnt matter to these friends anymore ... n im like 1 life .. big shit .. n add d person back to my friends list. Im in that place where nobody gives the slightest damn about me.. not even my partner. So yup. I cried all day yesterday thinkin .. that was all i ever wanted in life .. to be loved .. or at least to feel im loved.. or can make a difference in just that one person's life. However.. im a nobody to anybody. I cried n howled n wailed till i cudnt breathe.. i was told God does things for a reason. Think im understandin .. God knows me too well .. to give me what i want .. love. I dont see myself as anythin apart from my love/partner.. twas always the case. Id drown myself in the other person .. forget all reason .. jus like a drug .. to keep me alive .. It sounds so unhealthy. Maybe thats why i stand here - the solitary man .. to make something of myself. Nobody respected my voice .. my opinions to stick around .. n so today i feel isolated. Its a good thing i was living the wrong doctrine .. We are all for ourselves. Im not gonna ask why any more .. take what God has given me .. i.e. myself .. probably put myself to His use. In the end .. i think at least that will make me happy.

about death

I thought id be able to be by your side after these years have passed ... However I think our time hasn't come .. It's been so long that I've seen you .. Do you think you'd still like me .. Let alone love me ? .. Love is timeless they say .. It's just that I don't live in that generation I guess. You are only alive till the last person who knows you is alive. Isn't that amazing ? .. Centuries from now .. We wouldn't have even existed .. I'm very sure there will come a day when even the internet will progress to something unthinkable and whatever I may have written in this space may be erased. Then I'm gone forever. The lands we are stayin on .. The water we drink ... Have been used by our bygone generations .. This same land ... This same water... It's only been recycled ... They've been plenty people before us who've gone through more or less everythin we've been through .. N poof theyr no where .... Nobody knows them .. Except for d famous ones .. Vigorously kept alive by our historians ... Tomorrow we will be gone ... I have no traces to leave behind .. No achievements .. No nothing .. Just like a blow of breeze to a daffodil .. For sometime I will be in sight .. After I'm gone some might remember me .. As the daffodil cruises further and further away .. Same are the memories of me. And in the end out of sight .. Out of mind .. And I'm dead for real .. It's true ... You die twice - once is when your body dies. Twice is when the last person who knew you dies.

who does really make it complicated

"its complicated" A very puzzling and unanswering relationship status, which clearly announces the instability of the relationship. Lifes not actually meant to be this hard .. It's just the mindset of a person in a given situation .. One of my friends -Mimi had written on her fb status update - I wish life came with background music. In the movies, background music creates the mood for that scene. True ! Picture this: A guy slips and falls. However if you play this scene with canned laughter in the background- you got it right, it's be funny. However the same scene is played with a sorrowful violin piece in the background .. You'd be filled with pity for that poor chap. I think I always knew life is too big to be affected by one incident. For instance I scored pretty badly in high school .. I kept consoling myself saying - once you are outta here nobody would care. It was true to an extent. However in India to get into good colleges you need a good report card.. This still doesn't guarantee that id develop into a good person. All things kept aside, life is shitty.. Everyone comes to an understanding that money equals happiness. Therefore, people take decisions accordingly. Although when learning about medicine, prospective doctors are held under oath not to misuse their knowledge and work for the good for their patients. Many doctors can't really stick to that order.. They advise patients to do procedures that they could've easily done without. Why? More money into their pockets. Ofcourse they need to recover the cost of their education which easily crosses a crore in India. That's huge money btw. So I do understand their side of it too. Frankly, I don't see life being complicated.. It's simple.. If you do not have greed that is. I do not encourage greed .. It's just a big black hole ..gobbling up everything that comes in its way .. It just becomes bigger and seems to look more empty! I feel life shudnt be "made" complicated .. Hold a stone too close n it turns into a boulder. Whatever life throws at you .. Just deal with it .. Not with greed .. And ego in mind .. But every decision must be conscience stricken ... If you had to put even one skeleton in your closet your conscience will be disturbed .. You do not want that. If you are the type to care for people's opinions .. Only consider the opinions who help paying your bills .. Else you know where their opinion must be sent - to the trash can! To answer if my life is complicated or not .. It's not. If it does ever get complicated as people put it ... I should remind myself you kneel down and pray for how thankful I am for all my blessings .. It's really not not that difficult .. Is it ?

the truth about liars

we are born liars with stories between our teeth, on the tip of our fingers, waiting to bleed on to blank canvases. we write about the wolf, the dragon as if we know them. and maybe we do. maybe we are them. the wolf with the heart that never howls back. the dragon that burned down cities. we dig through the pockets of strangers, ask the ocean what she knows about unrequited love, slip poetry in our lovers’ mouths. there’s always a story behind it / between it / underneath it. we paint with ink, swallow heartbreak for breakfast, sleep with pillows of loneliness. we only know how to tell the truth by making things up

happy birthday

Happy birthday to the best man ive ever known ... Itd be great to have you around to see me grow ... In and through pain of your loss .. Tears sting my eyes thinking how different things wudve been had you been here .. I dont think you would be proud of me .. Ive let you down i guess .. Ive let myself down ... Im just coping though .. I just wish you were there to direct me .. Cos i just cant stop thinking and crying ... They say you remember people when theyr gone ... You are never out of my mind n heart to 'remember' you ... I believe in your belief .. I have not acted like you have .. But i will do so from now on ... At least now .. Not one day that i dont miss you .. I miss you smothering me silly ... Then i used to push u away ... But howww i crave .. Oh and theres this new show resurrection ... It toys with the idea of normal people ressurecting from the dead .. I hate the concept .. I think its just bad satire ... Cruel idea ... Ugh .. Anyway .. If theres a reason for you to be happy .. Happy birthday Oh yeah .. I hate that .. People think i can forget your birthday ... They take us so lightly ... I HATE THEM .. its NOT funny tryin to even say in jest i forgot your bday ... You know how serious i am about people i love

the grass is greener on the other side

Kids striving to act like adults .. Adults craving to act reckless like kids do .. And have no responsibility to account for.. The grass is always greener on the other side We are beyond thrilled to learn new things during puberty .. And after these same things become regular .. One tends not to regard them as exciting enough .. And so the pursuit of something new .. Actually metaphorically speaking .. An adult is someone who knows and understands everything .. What's so fascinating about becoming an adult you ask ? It's a journey of lessons after decisions after lessons ! However once you are an adult .. Nothing seems as exciting any more... You even start to wonder what was all the fuss about ..! By now you have a good understanding of the right and wrong .. You even start to understand other peoples' psyches ... Then you realize the world is twisted ... Thankfully there Is some law n order in place .. However you know and have seen too much .. You can't unsee .. You can't un-think .. This world will get to everyone .. No matter how long you'd want to hold onto innocence .. By choice or otherwise .. You will invariably be pushed into maturing .. So I say why start early .. To that son would answer to be secure .. However I feel much is at stake .. Innocence is ... One should be allowed to treasure that as long as possible is my argument .. Cos spiritually maturing does you more hat imho

To pops

I close my eyes and there you are .. There we are .. I love you so much .. Even if you weren't around .. It's sometimes all I need to feel happy .. Having you in my life .. You taught me a life beyond words .. Smothered me with love so unforgettable .. I miss you everyday .. It's amazing how simple moments have turned into memories .. So many times my heart has ached for you pops ... Just want you to know I love you .. And the funny thing about love is .. It's unconditional .. Through truth or lie .. Through life or death .. Through impossibilities of the unthinkable kind .. Thank you for giving me that candle .. Il hold on to it till my end .. Hopefully then we meet ?

random heart pangs !

I wanted somthing to happen tonight .. the dark starstudded night so beautiful above .. the gentle breeze .. the chirp of crickets..the shady places .. wid no mention o the humans.. it was all calling you .. it was .. i waited .. my moment o bliss ..childlike admiration toward teh diamonds that set the sky alive .. i blushed at the blow o the gentle breeze tickling my bare neck.. nature only grew fonder of me .. and i of it .. as we continued to live in the moment .. the night was with me .. and i waited .. searching the shadows.. with only one hope .. that i'd hav a glimpse .. o reflection.. o u .. dats all i needed .. dat was what i pleaded for .. hopelessly.. ponderin on all those supernaturnal things .. that happen to a lucky few.. i wished it had happened wid me .. tonight .. reality crept in .. my fantasies .. bein killed by my own conscience .. what else could i do .. but cry? i wished you could be there .. to deceive reality.. the shimmering stars .. the breezes' whispers.. the crickets playful chirps .. the sway of the plam leaves .. made me sense .. the presence of you .. then a sense o understandin .. strange sense o pride shone onto me .. we did make it passed the brutal calculated reality.. the night was with me .. the night was with us .. this long night was ...

the circle of understanding

Remember when you were a baby and your mommy and daddy did every little thing for you .. Even make your decisions.. Well ofcourse most of you dont remember when you were a baby .. But thats exactly what happened. When you grow older your cognitive senses start playing. By this time you are 6months old .. By the time you are two you wouldve understood a lot of things about your lifestyle and your parents .. If you have a routine or not.. Which parent is the one you can fool around with .. And which one not to mess with.. And things like that. By this time you may or may not have fully developed your verbal skills. So now you are older .. Still pristine hearted .. Finding things like poop, gfs and bfs a very peculiar topic .. Something you'd like ignoring to discuss cos of the sheer disgust you have in these subjects. Then you enter this age of questionning and phase of over curiosity .. Where sex related information is seeked from whichever source possible .. So engaging this new idea is .. So many things to learn .. So many things to notice .. Not to mention so many things to cope with (yeah with all the voice breakin and chums !) This stage is a long longgg stage .. There are several other things that play big part in this stage .. Imagination and the other is reality ! Not only that .. You also have to keep up with a supposed friends circle ..which by now you shouldve well established. And then on top of all this you gotta shove down studies too !! No school believes enough in a much needes subject as moral science and sex education and psychology. Its but obvious that India as a country cannot take much credit to being a noble state. So where else do you train young minds to think morally right ..? Anyway so next comes the chamber choosing phase.. Choose may it be Arts , Commerce au Science.. Well its just so understood that someone whos really smart gets into Science "automatically" and if he doesnt meet the cut off .. He then "chooses" commerce .. And "apparently" if you are no good you get into Arts. This is the Indian understanding at large .. Which is whole lotta rumbling crap ! Anyway .. To my knowledge and experience whoever chooses to be in whichever stream .. By one's own choice has prospered 100fold as compared to the blind sheep. I know so many schoolmates who've found success in Arts of all kinds - be it dance, disgning clothes etc. As compared to just one girl i know who won some award for a petroleum related study in US. So yeah, thats one big decision down. Next, that wandering heart ..skips a beat everytime you see that him or her .. Theres something you gotta do ! Ummm .. Lets try asking politely .. You work up the nerve to walk towards him/her to tell with full conviction how much he/she means to you. You walk up all cold and sweaty .. For some reason .. For the first time in your life you can actually hear your heart beating ! He/she politely lets you down .. Right at that spot you feel this wave of shame and stupidity bath you entirely. You kinna run outta there .. And get back to collecting the broken pieces of that heart. Its takes some time .. But you learn to move on .. To better .. More suited hims and hers perhaps. So you ask her/him .. Knowing that this hasnt actually worked in your favour before.. But then you reach an understanding to risk it all for the slightest opportunity of a mutual agreement .. And snap ! That glorious day is here .. You found your wings.. You start to soar .. Its finally happening like all those movies you've been watchin.. Its life .. And its love ! Love is comparatively a small word .. But the whirpool of feelings it contains in it are simply spectacular .. You start worshipping this love . Thats who we naturally are as human beings - worshippers. Even the aethist worship..well ofcourse themselves ! So worship is a truly engaging activity .. Even when its intangible .. The thought still persists in your head ..making it almost as good as tangible. Yeah, many people get veryy carried away in their self created bubble of love worship and happiness that reality skips their eye.

creation

It takes me very long to finish any art project i take up ... For instance .. I had this pot i was painting .. For the bf ..but by the time i had finished it .. He had broken up with me .. It was so easy to just pick it up and slam it down to the ground .. Watch it break .. As for some reason .. The more i could hurt or break things around me the more normal i felt .. It was REALLY difficult .. However i managed to save this pot .. The art work i think looked great for my style .. Its so easy to break things .. Doesnt even take much effort unless you wanna do it in style ! .. However creating ... Weaving .. Is so so time consuming .. I remember wanting to destroy everything during this break up .. Cutting myself .. Staying head lower than body for many hours so finally my head will explode .. Thinkin if id survived even after all this id wanna just pour acid all over my face .. So no one will ever like me. I feel terrible for having these thoughts cos iv seen how people who really go through these things are .. And its such an insult to want to voluntarily be like them .. Esp when they would have it any other way other than that .. That too.. They obviously didnt want to be in that state .. After so many years it hit me .. God has created us with so much care and effort and time ! .. And we in the spur of the moment want to throw it all away .. Thats such an insult to him .. And his creation .. Lifes gonna be tough .. Unreasonable ..however .. Remember you are God's creation .. In Him you have hope .. And even though theres darkness. . Theres light lurking there somewhere in the cracks of the dark night ..

hes got the look ..

Well i was just driving back home in heavy traffic when this incident just humbled me to the extent of making me cry .. To your surprise it took nothing but just one look .. So i was at this turning ..and i as any other driver am always in a rush.. So im like in that mood of rumbling constant abuses to those being an obstacle .. Mostly of the nonsensical kind . However, at this particular turning .. This very young chap on his cycle was peddling away.. And in my mood of dun give a crap about anyone else and jus abusing anyone who'd cause the slightest of hinderance .. I turned to start abusing this young lad .. Thats when i got the look .. It was absolutely nothing .. All i could see is a helpless boy trying to reach somewhere .. With ofcourse not the most convinient means of transport .. Obviously its difficult to pedal around n a slope in heavy traffic when everyone treats you like you are a complete pain in the *ss. It then struck me .. Is it his fault hes poor? .. Is it his fault hes got no better means of transport ? And just because i do .. Does that give me the right to be blatantly rude to him ..? Just cos of this damn thing called money that defines our toys and our classes .. Is it right to take the less fortunate for granted ?... He did nothing .. He just waited.. Looking simply.. As i overtook him .. My road rage melted away into a big puddle of shame and humility... I have never felt such unintentional and intense switch in feelings in my life ... I felt thankful .. And happy for the car i was blessed with .. I forgot about the troublesome traffic .. And took my moment to soak in the blessings .. Though tangible .. Blessings are blessings ... I dont want to take anything for granted ...i have a thankful heart ..