Life updates - Water Baptism

Its been really long since I filled this space. I feel very disconnected with the world not being on FB and Instagram and what else !! Few friends who cared enough to sustain our relationships are in touch through phone. Even though physically I am alone, I have all reasons to believe otherwise. I got baptized on 14th October 2017. This is when I openly declared to leave my past life and start afresh IN CHRIST. My world has changed. My thoughts have changed. My personal standards and morale meter are sky rocketing. Within the next few days I could issues which would take me 3-4days to resolve would resolve in half a day. Its not me though ... Cos you know my capacity 3-4days . however The Holy spirit is most obviously at work. The issues being either temptationsor or dealing with pain. I keep singing to myself Nehemiah 8:10 The joy of The Lord is my strength. Its not easier to move from a " Luke warm" Christian to a "warmer christian" In fact its much tougher however I'm so well equipped with God and The Holy Spirit ... I can't complain too long ... My goal is to stop complaining completely. Im moving from giving importance to the physical to spiritual realm ...

Love unlimited

So we all go through disappointments in life. Many times from our relationships. Many times from our expectations. Maybe if we just let lose and start being open to the fact that there is more than one kind of love. Other than the "prince-princess" kind of love. Why do we want to set a limit .. when God says love your neighbours as yourself. In other words love everyone ... We are the ones who judge and decide whom we would like to dedicate our efforts, time and care to .. however who is to say you will be rewarded by reciprocating all of it back. The world is full of hurt people. And unreasonable too. Why put all your eggs in one basket ? .. there are several kids out there longing to be loved and cared for ... Why waste your love? .. thats my new approach. I never wanted too much .. just like everyone else to be accepted, and to be loved. Nobody on this planet wants anything more than that .. money, can be earned.. love and people are hard to find. So I was told to use my time fruitfully .. what would define "fruitfully" to someone else might not be the same definition as mine. For me it means finding kids who would like company, care, maybe a sister .. I can't say I don't have sisters of my own .. I do .. my cousins .. are the sweetest. However I never got to live alongside any of them to really experience sisterhood. I appreciate my friends, they've always been nice to me.Asking close ones to spend time with you may not always work out. So find different people .. who says you need to shove your love down people's throats ? .. they don't want it... Then find someone else who needs love .. I know plenty of kids these days are abandoned.. do good for them .. or old people in old age homes. This way your love is wasted .. and you are still spreading joy. We are so stuck up about people not loving us back .. the way they should .. chuck it .. there's a whole world of unloved uncared for kids and elderly people. You'll surely make a difference in their lives. Find your own path of love. Don't limit love... It was never meant to be :)

Confessions

So I went to the "encounter with God" weekend at Church .. it was crazy .. in the best way.Here they prayed over as many issues as they could and released me from my bondages .. now I can freely say people who had hurt me .. can't hurt me anymore. Those experience s are mere memories that mean nothing any more. I don't feel the sting of those times anymore.. it's beautiful to be set free of invisible burdens and ties. There is such a thing as a soul tie. Whomever youve been a relationship with .. if they aren't around anymore and you still have those hurtful memories .. God can take away that pain and release you from the burden. I even formally said goodbye to an ex .. I'm glad that tie doesn't exist anymore.Theres no happiness in lies. God is awesome really is .. I bet he would be very disappointed to read many of my blogs especially cos theyr so sad .. but I'm going to leave it here ... To show everyone(that reads) there is hope. So yes please take encouragement from a person who has been distraught quite a bit.. So now .. I'm a little mellow and a little blue as I might have to live my life on my own .. I'm not super dramatic as I am used to being .. I'm taking everything in my stride. God is gonna help me through .. I'm pretty sure no one else is more reliable than him. It's okay .. things happen.. but I really need to know what direction to go in .. Speaking of which .. I think everyone needs to know which direction to go in .. I hear so many cases of paedophilia, promiscuous sexual acts .. it's all media driven because of hypersexuality showed everywhere. Sex has become very important.Because that's how the world wants you to think.It drives me nuts .. we are becoming so insensitive to feelings esp love .. we are becoming like dogs, just doing it. Why is love not advocated anymore, why is love rundant ? Why are romantic stories deemed fantasies? .. Just because media wants you to believe so. Don't be fooled. Love exists. My husband had mentioned to me - there was a reason why in the yesteryears parents put restrictions on children and were very severe about dating(if any of them allowed it at all) Every time you fall in love and your heart breaks your faith in "love" diminishes .. and so you too start satisfying yourself with the next best and easy thing sex. The more relationships you've had the more you end up disliking the concept of love. This wasn't the case in the yesteryears. The first time people had sex was after their marriage .. it's the first time they wanted to fall in love .. it's the first relationship that means the most .. simply cos the feeling of newness cannot be ever repeated. That's why our parents stuck together more than us . For our generation sex is easy to get .. you don't even need to be in a relationship for it .. it's robotic .. clinical .. it's empty. I urge you to understand .. sex cannot fulfill you spiritually.. love will .. you are a spiritual being. And as scary as it is, it is dangerous to have sex with people .. How ? You build soul ties with the people you connect with sexually. You do not want that unless you really love the person .. as your spirit entwines with the other .. that's even how a third spirit (a baby) is formed. Life is important . I thought differently before .. but any act that can produce a new life should be treated with respect and love. Otherwise we are aping animals .. I know most people would hate what I'm saying .. I did too .. not only you. But because that is the truth you gotta open your eyes and change. Stop paedophilia. Stop promiscuity. When you find love you won't need the worldly desires.

The calm after the storm

I think everyone in life goes through this feeling of getting jaded. Sometimes life tests you so much .. you become stronger and calmer .. because priority of things come into perspective. Life was always meant to be lived alone .. it always was your battle. Very naively I always looked for myself in others .. it's almost the same reason why I could empathize so quickly. After going through struggles I find that even though I always had the option to be independent .. I always chose to be a slave to love .. and it made me dance in ways I never could fathom .. After probably 10years of chasing love brainlessly I've come to understand .. love does exist .. not in overdramatic ways .. believe me .. I've experienced that as well .. (the funny part was - it didn't feel real). I don't know , my husband told me his ex gf always sensed him down in the dumps and always happened to call him then .. more like telepathy or something. Now coming to think of it more logically .. I think at the back of his mind he always missed her which is why she "always" happened to call at the right moments. How about love being nothing but pure co-existance? ... That sounds a bit too simple ? Or ... Is it ? I indeed grew up in the most comfortable life .. just that I was drenched in self esteem issues which literally blinded me, instead of appreciating my life. So yeah .. I grew up with the goal to find "my love" .. cos I think it was the rosiest picture ever. It stirred my thoughts about life itself. It meant everything. Even if the whole world would've screamed that I was wrong .. im pretty sure I wouldn't have got it. I'm so head strong. I can literally argue or choose not to argue with anyone on the face of this planet .. except for "my love" I don't if it helps to say I think I was so good I would've pursued becoming a lawyer. ( I didnt cos... My mum somehow convinced me I would get raped cos she sensed I'd be outspoken) .. yet today with the ones I love .. I literally hear every single sentence I am about to speak and change it almost 30 percent of the times cos I wouldn't want to hurt anyone else even in the minutest way. So yes, back to the topic- Im just not the kind to learn from other's experience .. cos for me .. I always believed in miracles and supernatural .. my faith in my dreams were too strong to be shaken by someone elses' realities. Soon I learnt... What mental picture I drew of love sounded good only on the 70mm screens. Something you only hear about but is far from reality. It took me 10years to understand .. it was always going to be me. I was the real run away bride who had to identity of her own .. who amalgamated into the interests and personality of the prospective love or love. In these many years I tried my best to hang onto my out of this world fantasies .. but the more I hung on to them the more I'd feel the burn in my hand trying to hold onto these dreams. I tried hanging on with nothing more than 1 hand for so long .. finally my hand started to slip , with the weight of my dreams just weighing me down. I put the mightiest struggle to keep my head up above the worldly adulterated ideas of love. And then.. I let go .. of my fantasies. I started seeing what was around me .. instead of yearning for something bigger and better I accepted that sans the fantasies I can still be happy .. even though that was my only goal since I was a kid. I love the little things in life ... I always have .. I have accepted that there's no greater love than co-existance. It's not easy .. why else did India even split into India and Pakistan ? Everyone goes through the difficulties of life... We shouldn't expect everyone to have the same perspective as us. Just this reminder every moment of every day will make the whole planet a more happier place- cos mostly problem arise from this thought - "if I were in your place I wouldn't have stepped out of line OR if I were in your place I would've easily completed the said assignment OR I wouldn't have made such a fuss over this thing because it doesn't matter to me as much" Why else do we fight ... Cos you share the same opinion ?- NEVER!!! We all were designed differently .. we all hail from different backgrounds which greatly influences our behaviours and lives today. The best you can make of this situation is to love one another WITHOUT JUDGEMENT. just love. You don't need to know how to stretch out your hands and sing like shahrukh Khan .. you don't need to kill people to show your loyalty .. (9/11) ..you don't need to rub it in the other's face how much you've done for them . .. love was always meant to be positive .. I was fixated with the supernatural powers of love instead of actually enjoying the joys of the simplicity of love. Love is so simple .. you miss the person .. you think about them .. you wish well for them .. you try to convey to them the things you think might cause a problem to them .. that's it . You must avoid comparison.. comparing what you would do in place of the other person sometimes can create distances. You both were and are different. Love can turn into a thunderstorm when you overly think .. I think this is true in 90 percent cases. Without the drama and expectations .. life is sailing smooth :) and yes happily.

My update

So its been crazy long since I've left any depressing rants on this page. That's cos I'm in a different life now. I walk with God. You'd think Im crazy .. But its great .. How else am I able to stand my husband's daily show of hatred and ignorance ? .. I ran away twice cos it hurt so much to be ignored .. And talked rudely to. See he needs healing of his own ... A person can't give what they don't have ... If you don't have happiness you can't give happiness .. If you don't have peace in you .. Your actions will be just the same ... Wayward, troublesome .. If not to others .. To your own self definitely. That's why many people take to drinking, drugs, smoking ..as an 'out' I too was so shallow inside .. Even though I was gifted by God every possible thing I can think of... There was this root of rejection in me. I hardly cared I was adopted ... But even after giving me the best of parents and even a childhood abroad ... And a great Church too I was still so stuck up. It was the rejection of my biological parents that had been ruling my life .. Even though youd think I'd be lieing about this - I never thought of them. I was in fact glad I was adopted cos I believed I had the best of everything . still I kept thinking I was lacking ... I thought my parents should go and exchange me for another kid... Such lack of esteem I had .. I never knew why I felt so miserable and overly sensitive about anything that was said .. Either to me or not .. The answer was the seed of rejection at birth. Although I thought it was ridiculous cos I was super happy about being with my folks.. But when its a root .. Its within .. Sometimes you'd never even know it could affect you in that way .. Like a cancer. Hate that suffering .. Cos that's how I lost my dad .. (My only dad ... Who took care of me and provided for me) the others who gave me birth I can never acknowledge them as anything in my life. Just glad that they didn't decide to kill me .. So if I need to say anything to them it would be that much. So somehow even with the gifts of loving parents, home, food, shelter, great school and great Church I always yearned for love. Someone who would love me unconditionally .. I thought I'd found someone like that .. But he rejected me. I then found a friend .. Whom I made into my God .. Which now I understand was a mistake. We are all humans .. We all have our opinions .. To find a partner for life is to find a person who helps you grow into a better person .. Who doesn't snatch your individuality .. Who coaxes you to be independent. If you give loved ones their time and space to grow they will dream big and beautiful .. Probably even bigger than what you had dreamt for them. That's what God taught me. He has given each of us the right to make choices. It is for us to decide good or bad. However there's also a third choice .. His choice. His choice could seem bad at first .. But it will be good in the end. I cried on the streets in the pouring rain as I was getting drenched .. I as it is cannot stand cold weather. Getting drenched was the worst. I was wailing to God why was I in this situation.. I gave my marriage my all... My husband wants me to be 55kgs .. Then only he will treat me well .. From 79kgs I've come down to 73kgs in one month. Still he chooses to live his life without me... In the sense that he never ever took me out .. If he would meet friends he would say he's embarrassed of me. Always short tempered. This is the person I made my God. Humans are humans .. If one claims the position of God that's most wrong .. Cos God doesn't have an angry, selfish, revengeful or sadistic heart. He is loving .. Patient .. Slow to anger. No human has that capacity of love. We always expect .. Love in return, respect in return.. Gifts in return, time in return .. God's love is unrequited .. Its divine .. He has so much love for us ... All you can hope for is to be close to him and do His will. I used to think .. My life would've been better with my ex .. God opened my eyes .. Love never abandons. My husband I will not leave no matter the type of damage he wishes upon me. I will be as strong .. Cos I know I can rescue him. God has great things for him as well .. He's just never tried to give control over his life to God. I had the hardest time .... Giving complete control of my life to God. Imagine being in the state where you have no money on you .. But you close your eyes and happily in your mind and heart know that God will provide as he has provided for all the animals on earth .. Won't he provide for you ? Believe me .. It was crazy .. After giving God control over my life .. My perspective on everything changed. The marriage I was waiting to come to the point of divorce is now withstanding .. Because I am going to try to hold it together. I believe God will work his miracles. Even through dark times only He is giving me the strength to face life. I ran away from home twice cohs I couldn't face the type of hatred from my husband that I was getting. Then God showed me .. How else will a broken and hurt person behave ? Its for you to go and hold everything together. Till God works his plan ..let's see ...

Aiden the light of my life

My Ray is the happiest thing I have ... he has no strings ... its all so simple with him. I have always loved simplicity and depth. Thats who you are Ray .... or at least I hope you grow up to become .. a wise and non pompus person. The sweetest people are the hardest to hate .. and thats you .. not that I tried hating you .. just a tip for life. For the record ... you are all I look up to .. you tickle my heart .. you bring out light out of my soul .. a soul thats battered and sizzling out .. Never forget your life is a gift .. you couldve easily been a housefly crushed by the next swap of a newspaper .. but instead you were chosen to be Aiden Ray Samuel. Your heart is the purest Ive ever known .. always caring .. always supporting .. sometimes I wish you were older and I could really look to you for emotional support .. cos of you being the awesomest of them all .. then I recall .. you and I cannot be friends .. you are my son .. and I must appear strong for you .. even though I fail miserably at it. Its just that in a long long time Ive finally found someone who will hear me ... without having any of their works to serve as an excuse not to ... but then again you are 3. You too may change .. but in your core you wont .you are me.. always out there trying to help and console .. you be strong Ray ... you are NEVER alone .. Jesus is there. Some say hes imaginary .. but I believe in love .. and God is love. He has placed your mother in that particular place .. at that particular time so she could be cared for by your grandparents who gave her everything she could ask for. Although sometimes your grandmother would be insensitive .. its okay ... i learned to live with it .. so yeah ... theworld will entice you but I know its not easy to capture our hearts .. cos we want want simplicity ... you cant buy that. Life is never about one moment .. its about the whole run ... you have been such a blessing... continue to be righteous .. and funny and cute ... you may find yourself alone .. like I am ... but I always remind myself I have you. Remind yourself about me when you have your doubts... believe me I struggled hard to be this way. Its beautiful when you are different .. in the best ways ever... no matter they see it or not .. cos who you need to impress and honour in the end is God.

who the f is alice ?

Alice in wonderland is different from the Al i know. Al is stupid and naive. Shes had one fairytale her entire life .. as stupid as it sounds a love marriage. Used to have love .. i thought but then no marriage . And now probably marriage but then not no love .. little love. Alice you are so lost trying to find that half of you in someone else ... when you were always made complete. You never trusted yourself .. you loved being lazy and getting pampered. Well in Al's defence who wouldnt ? Things happen to you for a reason. Life starts aching for a reason.. you. Change you Al. No matter how much you cried papa never came for you. Time to pick up all thats left of you and be strong and march forward with a goal. So Al has decided her goal will be to share the abundance of love and happiness which went unappreciated. Someone out needs love .. Al will find them... hopefully it makes somebody else's life better. And Al's worth living. I hate being lonely .. Al is too different from her partner .. her partner practically acts like a high school kid. Al finds it all too weird to put up with. Al wants a partner who shares her same psychological age ... of a kid .. yet with adult interests. It okay Al .. things happen for a reason .. through this at least you understood who you are not ... even if you couldnt understand who you are. Sometimes that much is enough .. Its nice to have you around Al. You will do good in life .. I see you. God has better plans for you than what you think. Hes just unravelling things to make you understand your real worth.. which you seem to be slowly understanding.

behind closed doors.

Sometimes happiness is in closing doors and seeing if anybody cares enough to open it. Im there. This time I closed the door. Ive never done this before. Cos normally im always the doormat. I always want to please a certain few so much I pretty much give up my dignity. Dignity is such a funny word to me ... ive never felt like i had it.. but I want to try it. I want to be take control of situations and say how hurt i am .. instead of never keeping my dignity and always obliging to the other. All i ever wanted is love. Dont have the lover sort of love. Cos im too fat for my husband to take interest in me. He just "bares with me". He shouldnt have to ... if his heart and soul is in my physical aspect. So with whatever little dignity i have i messaged him i will become 55kgs then if he interested we can work it out .. or not. I feel liberated to fight for new found small dignity. I wish he understands i want to be treated as a lover like he had promised me. I know he may not want me ever. That is his choice. Like how he chose his friends over me. I want peace and happiness. Clearly my husband finds me too disgusting to provide me my wants. Sometimes its the simplest things that are the hardest to find ... or I can still choose to be happy. Difficult world ...

When men promise ...

love continuum

love is what makes the world go round ... its so strange that ive said things like my love for you will never lessen .. and it just continues to be ... why is there unconditional love ... it only hurts ... i need to learn to be more selfish ... selfish people know and get what they want ... unlike me- doormat. im not sure why i dont have any wants of my own .... i think im super simple .. im not fussy .. im adjustable .. however people like me just dont get their one wish fulfilled ...

Escapeology

So iIhave this not so new obsession iIguess- death.. Doesn't perturb me.. It's a new beginning in my head.. That's what excites me It's like you spend hours and hours on a piece of art work.. Then ihave this moment when I overdo it and then it cannot be salvaged... It's been a waste of time almost So yeah.. I want to feel as a child.. I've grown too much to go back to experience the butterflies in the stomach.. For me it was always like a cold fire at the bottom of my stomach.. I want to go back to hyperventilating over seeing someone.. I want to feel puppy love.. It hurts that I've grown too much.. It hurts that I'm no one's priority.. I am on my own... I only think someone worse than me is he who didn't even have the opportunity to feel whatever iIfelt and constantly reminisce about... I want to give my life for something that'll last forever.. I will give love.. To those who've shunned me.. Oh you don't even know you are so dear.. I'm finally back to me... I never realized iwas actually beautiful.. To go ahead and still wish to connect with those who have scarred me... I can now understand how special I am.. Cos I've been surrounded with so much negativity.. I'm proud ican still hold the torch light high up.. Whether or not others acknowledge.. I know IL be there for you all.. It's just my heart.. But God's grace

that point in time

Gone are the days i unfriended friends(on facebook) just to teach them a lesson about keeping in touch .. cos frankly speaking when they did realise i wasnt on their friend's list .. theyd jus PM me sayin dun be a prick. N in return id be like .. you know what if you want me to add u back why dun you tell me whats goin on in your life like actual "friends" do .. what the point in being another number on your fb .. when you dont care. So called friends didnt bother to respond. Kept seeing their fb request to be my friend everyday. Mind you i have a handful of friends .. the number literally cudnt cross 10 people .. n im puttin up a drama for one o these 10 ppl .. It doesnt matter to these friends anymore ... n im like 1 life .. big shit .. n add d person back to my friends list. Im in that place where nobody gives the slightest damn about me.. not even my partner. So yup. I cried all day yesterday thinkin .. that was all i ever wanted in life .. to be loved .. or at least to feel im loved.. or can make a difference in just that one person's life. However.. im a nobody to anybody. I cried n howled n wailed till i cudnt breathe.. i was told God does things for a reason. Think im understandin .. God knows me too well .. to give me what i want .. love. I dont see myself as anythin apart from my love/partner.. twas always the case. Id drown myself in the other person .. forget all reason .. jus like a drug .. to keep me alive .. It sounds so unhealthy. Maybe thats why i stand here - the solitary man .. to make something of myself. Nobody respected my voice .. my opinions to stick around .. n so today i feel isolated. Its a good thing i was living the wrong doctrine .. We are all for ourselves. Im not gonna ask why any more .. take what God has given me .. i.e. myself .. probably put myself to His use. In the end .. i think at least that will make me happy.

about death

I thought id be able to be by your side after these years have passed ... However I think our time hasn't come .. It's been so long that I've seen you .. Do you think you'd still like me .. Let alone love me ? .. Love is timeless they say .. It's just that I don't live in that generation I guess. You are only alive till the last person who knows you is alive. Isn't that amazing ? .. Centuries from now .. We wouldn't have even existed .. I'm very sure there will come a day when even the internet will progress to something unthinkable and whatever I may have written in this space may be erased. Then I'm gone forever. The lands we are stayin on .. The water we drink ... Have been used by our bygone generations .. This same land ... This same water... It's only been recycled ... They've been plenty people before us who've gone through more or less everythin we've been through .. N poof theyr no where .... Nobody knows them .. Except for d famous ones .. Vigorously kept alive by our historians ... Tomorrow we will be gone ... I have no traces to leave behind .. No achievements .. No nothing .. Just like a blow of breeze to a daffodil .. For sometime I will be in sight .. After I'm gone some might remember me .. As the daffodil cruises further and further away .. Same are the memories of me. And in the end out of sight .. Out of mind .. And I'm dead for real .. It's true ... You die twice - once is when your body dies. Twice is when the last person who knew you dies.

who does really make it complicated

"its complicated" A very puzzling and unanswering relationship status, which clearly announces the instability of the relationship. Lifes not actually meant to be this hard .. It's just the mindset of a person in a given situation .. One of my friends -Mimi had written on her fb status update - I wish life came with background music. In the movies, background music creates the mood for that scene. True ! Picture this: A guy slips and falls. However if you play this scene with canned laughter in the background- you got it right, it's be funny. However the same scene is played with a sorrowful violin piece in the background .. You'd be filled with pity for that poor chap. I think I always knew life is too big to be affected by one incident. For instance I scored pretty badly in high school .. I kept consoling myself saying - once you are outta here nobody would care. It was true to an extent. However in India to get into good colleges you need a good report card.. This still doesn't guarantee that id develop into a good person. All things kept aside, life is shitty.. Everyone comes to an understanding that money equals happiness. Therefore, people take decisions accordingly. Although when learning about medicine, prospective doctors are held under oath not to misuse their knowledge and work for the good for their patients. Many doctors can't really stick to that order.. They advise patients to do procedures that they could've easily done without. Why? More money into their pockets. Ofcourse they need to recover the cost of their education which easily crosses a crore in India. That's huge money btw. So I do understand their side of it too. Frankly, I don't see life being complicated.. It's simple.. If you do not have greed that is. I do not encourage greed .. It's just a big black hole ..gobbling up everything that comes in its way .. It just becomes bigger and seems to look more empty! I feel life shudnt be "made" complicated .. Hold a stone too close n it turns into a boulder. Whatever life throws at you .. Just deal with it .. Not with greed .. And ego in mind .. But every decision must be conscience stricken ... If you had to put even one skeleton in your closet your conscience will be disturbed .. You do not want that. If you are the type to care for people's opinions .. Only consider the opinions who help paying your bills .. Else you know where their opinion must be sent - to the trash can! To answer if my life is complicated or not .. It's not. If it does ever get complicated as people put it ... I should remind myself you kneel down and pray for how thankful I am for all my blessings .. It's really not not that difficult .. Is it ?

the truth about liars

we are born liars with stories between our teeth, on the tip of our fingers, waiting to bleed on to blank canvases. we write about the wolf, the dragon as if we know them. and maybe we do. maybe we are them. the wolf with the heart that never howls back. the dragon that burned down cities. we dig through the pockets of strangers, ask the ocean what she knows about unrequited love, slip poetry in our lovers’ mouths. there’s always a story behind it / between it / underneath it. we paint with ink, swallow heartbreak for breakfast, sleep with pillows of loneliness. we only know how to tell the truth by making things up

happy birthday

Happy birthday to the best man ive ever known ... Itd be great to have you around to see me grow ... In and through pain of your loss .. Tears sting my eyes thinking how different things wudve been had you been here .. I dont think you would be proud of me .. Ive let you down i guess .. Ive let myself down ... Im just coping though .. I just wish you were there to direct me .. Cos i just cant stop thinking and crying ... They say you remember people when theyr gone ... You are never out of my mind n heart to 'remember' you ... I believe in your belief .. I have not acted like you have .. But i will do so from now on ... At least now .. Not one day that i dont miss you .. I miss you smothering me silly ... Then i used to push u away ... But howww i crave .. Oh and theres this new show resurrection ... It toys with the idea of normal people ressurecting from the dead .. I hate the concept .. I think its just bad satire ... Cruel idea ... Ugh .. Anyway .. If theres a reason for you to be happy .. Happy birthday Oh yeah .. I hate that .. People think i can forget your birthday ... They take us so lightly ... I HATE THEM .. its NOT funny tryin to even say in jest i forgot your bday ... You know how serious i am about people i love

the grass is greener on the other side

Kids striving to act like adults .. Adults craving to act reckless like kids do .. And have no responsibility to account for.. The grass is always greener on the other side We are beyond thrilled to learn new things during puberty .. And after these same things become regular .. One tends not to regard them as exciting enough .. And so the pursuit of something new .. Actually metaphorically speaking .. An adult is someone who knows and understands everything .. What's so fascinating about becoming an adult you ask ? It's a journey of lessons after decisions after lessons ! However once you are an adult .. Nothing seems as exciting any more... You even start to wonder what was all the fuss about ..! By now you have a good understanding of the right and wrong .. You even start to understand other peoples' psyches ... Then you realize the world is twisted ... Thankfully there Is some law n order in place .. However you know and have seen too much .. You can't unsee .. You can't un-think .. This world will get to everyone .. No matter how long you'd want to hold onto innocence .. By choice or otherwise .. You will invariably be pushed into maturing .. So I say why start early .. To that son would answer to be secure .. However I feel much is at stake .. Innocence is ... One should be allowed to treasure that as long as possible is my argument .. Cos spiritually maturing does you more hat imho

To pops

I close my eyes and there you are .. There we are .. I love you so much .. Even if you weren't around .. It's sometimes all I need to feel happy .. Having you in my life .. You taught me a life beyond words .. Smothered me with love so unforgettable .. I miss you everyday .. It's amazing how simple moments have turned into memories .. So many times my heart has ached for you pops ... Just want you to know I love you .. And the funny thing about love is .. It's unconditional .. Through truth or lie .. Through life or death .. Through impossibilities of the unthinkable kind .. Thank you for giving me that candle .. Il hold on to it till my end .. Hopefully then we meet ?

random heart pangs !

I wanted somthing to happen tonight .. the dark starstudded night so beautiful above .. the gentle breeze .. the chirp of crickets..the shady places .. wid no mention o the humans.. it was all calling you .. it was .. i waited .. my moment o bliss ..childlike admiration toward teh diamonds that set the sky alive .. i blushed at the blow o the gentle breeze tickling my bare neck.. nature only grew fonder of me .. and i of it .. as we continued to live in the moment .. the night was with me .. and i waited .. searching the shadows.. with only one hope .. that i'd hav a glimpse .. o reflection.. o u .. dats all i needed .. dat was what i pleaded for .. hopelessly.. ponderin on all those supernaturnal things .. that happen to a lucky few.. i wished it had happened wid me .. tonight .. reality crept in .. my fantasies .. bein killed by my own conscience .. what else could i do .. but cry? i wished you could be there .. to deceive reality.. the shimmering stars .. the breezes' whispers.. the crickets playful chirps .. the sway of the plam leaves .. made me sense .. the presence of you .. then a sense o understandin .. strange sense o pride shone onto me .. we did make it passed the brutal calculated reality.. the night was with me .. the night was with us .. this long night was ...

the circle of understanding

Remember when you were a baby and your mommy and daddy did every little thing for you .. Even make your decisions.. Well ofcourse most of you dont remember when you were a baby .. But thats exactly what happened. When you grow older your cognitive senses start playing. By this time you are 6months old .. By the time you are two you wouldve understood a lot of things about your lifestyle and your parents .. If you have a routine or not.. Which parent is the one you can fool around with .. And which one not to mess with.. And things like that. By this time you may or may not have fully developed your verbal skills. So now you are older .. Still pristine hearted .. Finding things like poop, gfs and bfs a very peculiar topic .. Something you'd like ignoring to discuss cos of the sheer disgust you have in these subjects. Then you enter this age of questionning and phase of over curiosity .. Where sex related information is seeked from whichever source possible .. So engaging this new idea is .. So many things to learn .. So many things to notice .. Not to mention so many things to cope with (yeah with all the voice breakin and chums !) This stage is a long longgg stage .. There are several other things that play big part in this stage .. Imagination and the other is reality ! Not only that .. You also have to keep up with a supposed friends circle ..which by now you shouldve well established. And then on top of all this you gotta shove down studies too !! No school believes enough in a much needes subject as moral science and sex education and psychology. Its but obvious that India as a country cannot take much credit to being a noble state. So where else do you train young minds to think morally right ..? Anyway so next comes the chamber choosing phase.. Choose may it be Arts , Commerce au Science.. Well its just so understood that someone whos really smart gets into Science "automatically" and if he doesnt meet the cut off .. He then "chooses" commerce .. And "apparently" if you are no good you get into Arts. This is the Indian understanding at large .. Which is whole lotta rumbling crap ! Anyway .. To my knowledge and experience whoever chooses to be in whichever stream .. By one's own choice has prospered 100fold as compared to the blind sheep. I know so many schoolmates who've found success in Arts of all kinds - be it dance, disgning clothes etc. As compared to just one girl i know who won some award for a petroleum related study in US. So yeah, thats one big decision down. Next, that wandering heart ..skips a beat everytime you see that him or her .. Theres something you gotta do ! Ummm .. Lets try asking politely .. You work up the nerve to walk towards him/her to tell with full conviction how much he/she means to you. You walk up all cold and sweaty .. For some reason .. For the first time in your life you can actually hear your heart beating ! He/she politely lets you down .. Right at that spot you feel this wave of shame and stupidity bath you entirely. You kinna run outta there .. And get back to collecting the broken pieces of that heart. Its takes some time .. But you learn to move on .. To better .. More suited hims and hers perhaps. So you ask her/him .. Knowing that this hasnt actually worked in your favour before.. But then you reach an understanding to risk it all for the slightest opportunity of a mutual agreement .. And snap ! That glorious day is here .. You found your wings.. You start to soar .. Its finally happening like all those movies you've been watchin.. Its life .. And its love ! Love is comparatively a small word .. But the whirpool of feelings it contains in it are simply spectacular .. You start worshipping this love . Thats who we naturally are as human beings - worshippers. Even the aethist worship..well ofcourse themselves ! So worship is a truly engaging activity .. Even when its intangible .. The thought still persists in your head ..making it almost as good as tangible. Yeah, many people get veryy carried away in their self created bubble of love worship and happiness that reality skips their eye.