The calm after the storm

I think everyone in life goes through this feeling of getting jaded. Sometimes life tests you so much .. you become stronger and calmer .. because priority of things come into perspective. Life was always meant to be lived alone .. it always was your battle. Very naively I always looked for myself in others .. it's almost the same reason why I could empathize so quickly. After going through struggles I find that even though I always had the option to be independent .. I always chose to be a slave to love .. and it made me dance in ways I never could fathom .. After probably 10years of chasing love brainlessly I've come to understand .. love does exist .. not in overdramatic ways .. believe me .. I've experienced that as well .. (the funny part was - it didn't feel real). I don't know , my husband told me his ex gf always sensed him down in the dumps and always happened to call him then .. more like telepathy or something. Now coming to think of it more logically .. I think at the back of his mind he always missed her which is why she "always" happened to call at the right moments. How about love being nothing but pure co-existance? ... That sounds a bit too simple ? Or ... Is it ? I indeed grew up in the most comfortable life .. just that I was drenched in self esteem issues which literally blinded me, instead of appreciating my life. So yeah .. I grew up with the goal to find "my love" .. cos I think it was the rosiest picture ever. It stirred my thoughts about life itself. It meant everything. Even if the whole world would've screamed that I was wrong .. im pretty sure I wouldn't have got it. I'm so head strong. I can literally argue or choose not to argue with anyone on the face of this planet .. except for "my love" I don't if it helps to say I think I was so good I would've pursued becoming a lawyer. ( I didnt cos... My mum somehow convinced me I would get raped cos she sensed I'd be outspoken) .. yet today with the ones I love .. I literally hear every single sentence I am about to speak and change it almost 30 percent of the times cos I wouldn't want to hurt anyone else even in the minutest way. So yes, back to the topic- Im just not the kind to learn from other's experience .. cos for me .. I always believed in miracles and supernatural .. my faith in my dreams were too strong to be shaken by someone elses' realities. Soon I learnt... What mental picture I drew of love sounded good only on the 70mm screens. Something you only hear about but is far from reality. It took me 10years to understand .. it was always going to be me. I was the real run away bride who had to identity of her own .. who amalgamated into the interests and personality of the prospective love or love. In these many years I tried my best to hang onto my out of this world fantasies .. but the more I hung on to them the more I'd feel the burn in my hand trying to hold onto these dreams. I tried hanging on with nothing more than 1 hand for so long .. finally my hand started to slip , with the weight of my dreams just weighing me down. I put the mightiest struggle to keep my head up above the worldly adulterated ideas of love. And then.. I let go .. of my fantasies. I started seeing what was around me .. instead of yearning for something bigger and better I accepted that sans the fantasies I can still be happy .. even though that was my only goal since I was a kid. I love the little things in life ... I always have .. I have accepted that there's no greater love than co-existance. It's not easy .. why else did India even split into India and Pakistan ? Everyone goes through the difficulties of life... We shouldn't expect everyone to have the same perspective as us. Just this reminder every moment of every day will make the whole planet a more happier place- cos mostly problem arise from this thought - "if I were in your place I wouldn't have stepped out of line OR if I were in your place I would've easily completed the said assignment OR I wouldn't have made such a fuss over this thing because it doesn't matter to me as much" Why else do we fight ... Cos you share the same opinion ?- NEVER!!! We all were designed differently .. we all hail from different backgrounds which greatly influences our behaviours and lives today. The best you can make of this situation is to love one another WITHOUT JUDGEMENT. just love. You don't need to know how to stretch out your hands and sing like shahrukh Khan .. you don't need to kill people to show your loyalty .. (9/11) ..you don't need to rub it in the other's face how much you've done for them . .. love was always meant to be positive .. I was fixated with the supernatural powers of love instead of actually enjoying the joys of the simplicity of love. Love is so simple .. you miss the person .. you think about them .. you wish well for them .. you try to convey to them the things you think might cause a problem to them .. that's it . You must avoid comparison.. comparing what you would do in place of the other person sometimes can create distances. You both were and are different. Love can turn into a thunderstorm when you overly think .. I think this is true in 90 percent cases. Without the drama and expectations .. life is sailing smooth :) and yes happily.

My update

So its been crazy long since I've left any depressing rants on this page. That's cos I'm in a different life now. I walk with God. You'd think Im crazy .. But its great .. How else am I able to stand my husband's daily show of hatred and ignorance ? .. I ran away twice cos it hurt so much to be ignored .. And talked rudely to. See he needs healing of his own ... A person can't give what they don't have ... If you don't have happiness you can't give happiness .. If you don't have peace in you .. Your actions will be just the same ... Wayward, troublesome .. If not to others .. To your own self definitely. That's why many people take to drinking, drugs, smoking ..as an 'out' I too was so shallow inside .. Even though I was gifted by God every possible thing I can think of... There was this root of rejection in me. I hardly cared I was adopted ... But even after giving me the best of parents and even a childhood abroad ... And a great Church too I was still so stuck up. It was the rejection of my biological parents that had been ruling my life .. Even though youd think I'd be lieing about this - I never thought of them. I was in fact glad I was adopted cos I believed I had the best of everything . still I kept thinking I was lacking ... I thought my parents should go and exchange me for another kid... Such lack of esteem I had .. I never knew why I felt so miserable and overly sensitive about anything that was said .. Either to me or not .. The answer was the seed of rejection at birth. Although I thought it was ridiculous cos I was super happy about being with my folks.. But when its a root .. Its within .. Sometimes you'd never even know it could affect you in that way .. Like a cancer. Hate that suffering .. Cos that's how I lost my dad .. (My only dad ... Who took care of me and provided for me) the others who gave me birth I can never acknowledge them as anything in my life. Just glad that they didn't decide to kill me .. So if I need to say anything to them it would be that much. So somehow even with the gifts of loving parents, home, food, shelter, great school and great Church I always yearned for love. Someone who would love me unconditionally .. I thought I'd found someone like that .. But he rejected me. I then found a friend .. Whom I made into my God .. Which now I understand was a mistake. We are all humans .. We all have our opinions .. To find a partner for life is to find a person who helps you grow into a better person .. Who doesn't snatch your individuality .. Who coaxes you to be independent. If you give loved ones their time and space to grow they will dream big and beautiful .. Probably even bigger than what you had dreamt for them. That's what God taught me. He has given each of us the right to make choices. It is for us to decide good or bad. However there's also a third choice .. His choice. His choice could seem bad at first .. But it will be good in the end. I cried on the streets in the pouring rain as I was getting drenched .. I as it is cannot stand cold weather. Getting drenched was the worst. I was wailing to God why was I in this situation.. I gave my marriage my all... My husband wants me to be 55kgs .. Then only he will treat me well .. From 79kgs I've come down to 73kgs in one month. Still he chooses to live his life without me... In the sense that he never ever took me out .. If he would meet friends he would say he's embarrassed of me. Always short tempered. This is the person I made my God. Humans are humans .. If one claims the position of God that's most wrong .. Cos God doesn't have an angry, selfish, revengeful or sadistic heart. He is loving .. Patient .. Slow to anger. No human has that capacity of love. We always expect .. Love in return, respect in return.. Gifts in return, time in return .. God's love is unrequited .. Its divine .. He has so much love for us ... All you can hope for is to be close to him and do His will. I used to think .. My life would've been better with my ex .. God opened my eyes .. Love never abandons. My husband I will not leave no matter the type of damage he wishes upon me. I will be as strong .. Cos I know I can rescue him. God has great things for him as well .. He's just never tried to give control over his life to God. I had the hardest time .... Giving complete control of my life to God. Imagine being in the state where you have no money on you .. But you close your eyes and happily in your mind and heart know that God will provide as he has provided for all the animals on earth .. Won't he provide for you ? Believe me .. It was crazy .. After giving God control over my life .. My perspective on everything changed. The marriage I was waiting to come to the point of divorce is now withstanding .. Because I am going to try to hold it together. I believe God will work his miracles. Even through dark times only He is giving me the strength to face life. I ran away from home twice cohs I couldn't face the type of hatred from my husband that I was getting. Then God showed me .. How else will a broken and hurt person behave ? Its for you to go and hold everything together. Till God works his plan ..let's see ...

Aiden the light of my life

My Ray is the happiest thing I have ... he has no strings ... its all so simple with him. I have always loved simplicity and depth. Thats who you are Ray .... or at least I hope you grow up to become .. a wise and non pompus person. The sweetest people are the hardest to hate .. and thats you .. not that I tried hating you .. just a tip for life. For the record ... you are all I look up to .. you tickle my heart .. you bring out light out of my soul .. a soul thats battered and sizzling out .. Never forget your life is a gift .. you couldve easily been a housefly crushed by the next swap of a newspaper .. but instead you were chosen to be Aiden Ray Samuel. Your heart is the purest Ive ever known .. always caring .. always supporting .. sometimes I wish you were older and I could really look to you for emotional support .. cos of you being the awesomest of them all .. then I recall .. you and I cannot be friends .. you are my son .. and I must appear strong for you .. even though I fail miserably at it. Its just that in a long long time Ive finally found someone who will hear me ... without having any of their works to serve as an excuse not to ... but then again you are 3. You too may change .. but in your core you wont .you are me.. always out there trying to help and console .. you be strong Ray ... you are NEVER alone .. Jesus is there. Some say hes imaginary .. but I believe in love .. and God is love. He has placed your mother in that particular place .. at that particular time so she could be cared for by your grandparents who gave her everything she could ask for. Although sometimes your grandmother would be insensitive .. its okay ... i learned to live with it .. so yeah ... theworld will entice you but I know its not easy to capture our hearts .. cos we want want simplicity ... you cant buy that. Life is never about one moment .. its about the whole run ... you have been such a blessing... continue to be righteous .. and funny and cute ... you may find yourself alone .. like I am ... but I always remind myself I have you. Remind yourself about me when you have your doubts... believe me I struggled hard to be this way. Its beautiful when you are different .. in the best ways ever... no matter they see it or not .. cos who you need to impress and honour in the end is God.

who the f is alice ?

Alice in wonderland is different from the Al i know. Al is stupid and naive. Shes had one fairytale her entire life .. as stupid as it sounds a love marriage. Used to have love .. i thought but then no marriage . And now probably marriage but then not no love .. little love. Alice you are so lost trying to find that half of you in someone else ... when you were always made complete. You never trusted yourself .. you loved being lazy and getting pampered. Well in Al's defence who wouldnt ? Things happen to you for a reason. Life starts aching for a reason.. you. Change you Al. No matter how much you cried papa never came for you. Time to pick up all thats left of you and be strong and march forward with a goal. So Al has decided her goal will be to share the abundance of love and happiness which went unappreciated. Someone out needs love .. Al will find them... hopefully it makes somebody else's life better. And Al's worth living. I hate being lonely .. Al is too different from her partner .. her partner practically acts like a high school kid. Al finds it all too weird to put up with. Al wants a partner who shares her same psychological age ... of a kid .. yet with adult interests. It okay Al .. things happen for a reason .. through this at least you understood who you are not ... even if you couldnt understand who you are. Sometimes that much is enough .. Its nice to have you around Al. You will do good in life .. I see you. God has better plans for you than what you think. Hes just unravelling things to make you understand your real worth.. which you seem to be slowly understanding.

behind closed doors.

Sometimes happiness is in closing doors and seeing if anybody cares enough to open it. Im there. This time I closed the door. Ive never done this before. Cos normally im always the doormat. I always want to please a certain few so much I pretty much give up my dignity. Dignity is such a funny word to me ... ive never felt like i had it.. but I want to try it. I want to be take control of situations and say how hurt i am .. instead of never keeping my dignity and always obliging to the other. All i ever wanted is love. Dont have the lover sort of love. Cos im too fat for my husband to take interest in me. He just "bares with me". He shouldnt have to ... if his heart and soul is in my physical aspect. So with whatever little dignity i have i messaged him i will become 55kgs then if he interested we can work it out .. or not. I feel liberated to fight for new found small dignity. I wish he understands i want to be treated as a lover like he had promised me. I know he may not want me ever. That is his choice. Like how he chose his friends over me. I want peace and happiness. Clearly my husband finds me too disgusting to provide me my wants. Sometimes its the simplest things that are the hardest to find ... or I can still choose to be happy. Difficult world ...