So its been crazy long since I've left any depressing rants on this page. That's cos I'm in a different life now. I walk with God. You'd think Im crazy .. But its great .. How else am I able to stand my husband's daily show of hatred and ignorance ? .. I ran away twice cos it hurt so much to be ignored .. And talked rudely to. See he needs healing of his own ... A person can't give what they don't have ... If you don't have happiness you can't give happiness .. If you don't have peace in you .. Your actions will be just the same ... Wayward, troublesome .. If not to others .. To your own self definitely. That's why many people take to drinking, drugs, smoking ..as an 'out'
I too was so shallow inside .. Even though I was gifted by God every possible thing I can think of... There was this root of rejection in me. I hardly cared I was adopted ... But even after giving me the best of parents and even a childhood abroad ... And a great Church too I was still so stuck up. It was the rejection of my biological parents that had been ruling my life .. Even though youd think I'd be lieing about this - I never thought of them. I was in fact glad I was adopted cos I believed I had the best of everything . still I kept thinking I was lacking ... I thought my parents should go and exchange me for another kid... Such lack of esteem I had .. I never knew why I felt so miserable and overly sensitive about anything that was said .. Either to me or not ..
The answer was the seed of rejection at birth. Although I thought it was ridiculous cos I was super happy about being with my folks.. But when its a root .. Its within .. Sometimes you'd never even know it could affect you in that way .. Like a cancer. Hate that suffering .. Cos that's how I lost my dad .. (My only dad ... Who took care of me and provided for me) the others who gave me birth I can never acknowledge them as anything in my life. Just glad that they didn't decide to kill me .. So if I need to say anything to them it would be that much.
So somehow even with the gifts of loving parents, home, food, shelter, great school and great Church I always yearned for love. Someone who would love me unconditionally ..
I thought I'd found someone like that .. But he rejected me. I then found a friend .. Whom I made into my God .. Which now I understand was a mistake. We are all humans .. We all have our opinions .. To find a partner for life is to find a person who helps you grow into a better person .. Who doesn't snatch your individuality .. Who coaxes you to be independent. If you give loved ones their time and space to grow they will dream big and beautiful .. Probably even bigger than what you had dreamt for them. That's what God taught me.
He has given each of us the right to make choices. It is for us to decide good or bad. However there's also a third choice .. His choice. His choice could seem bad at first .. But it will be good in the end.
I cried on the streets in the pouring rain as I was getting drenched .. I as it is cannot stand cold weather. Getting drenched was the worst. I was wailing to God why was I in this situation.. I gave my marriage my all... My husband wants me to be 55kgs .. Then only he will treat me well .. From 79kgs I've come down to 73kgs in one month. Still he chooses to live his life without me... In the sense that he never ever took me out .. If he would meet friends he would say he's embarrassed of me. Always short tempered. This is the person I made my God. Humans are humans .. If one claims the position of God that's most wrong .. Cos God doesn't have an angry, selfish, revengeful or sadistic heart. He is loving .. Patient .. Slow to anger. No human has that capacity of love. We always expect .. Love in return, respect in return.. Gifts in return, time in return .. God's love is unrequited .. Its divine ..
He has so much love for us ... All you can hope for is to be close to him and do His will.
I used to think .. My life would've been better with my ex .. God opened my eyes .. Love never abandons. My husband I will not leave no matter the type of damage he wishes upon me. I will be as strong .. Cos I know I can rescue him. God has great things for him as well .. He's just never tried to give control over his life to God.
I had the hardest time .... Giving complete control of my life to God. Imagine being in the state where you have no money on you .. But you close your eyes and happily in your mind and heart know that God will provide as he has provided for all the animals on earth .. Won't he provide for you ?
Believe me .. It was crazy .. After giving God control over my life .. My perspective on everything changed. The marriage I was waiting to come to the point of divorce is now withstanding .. Because I am going to try to hold it together. I believe God will work his miracles.
Even through dark times only He is giving me the strength to face life. I ran away from home twice cohs I couldn't face the type of hatred from my husband that I was getting. Then God showed me .. How else will a broken and hurt person behave ? Its for you to go and hold everything together. Till God works his plan ..let's see ...
